I am starting to get back into the swing of things around here. I was not really in the mood to clean and such for the first couple weeks after giving birth. Not that I am in the mood now, but I have been doing it. This past week I actually had to do my laundry. This was the first time in a long time. Either way, it's kinda nice to be able to move around freely. Boy oh boy was it a pain in the last few weeks of pregnancy. This morning I woke up feeling a bit guilty. I remember while I was pregant, I could not sleep for the life of me. Last night I slept for 9 hours! I kinda felt sorry for the guys. Hopefully the baby is sleeping well. I haven't really spoken with them in a while, but I'm sure all is well. They are just getting use to family life.

Love to them on their very first Father's Day!

Well, things are getting back to normal around here. I think I've been having a hard time in the fact that people who don't know me, don't know that I've just had a baby. They don't know that I have a little extra belly weight from a baby. They don't know if I'm walking funny, it's because I've just had a baby. I'm still wearing gross clothes because I've just had a baby. Most of the time when women have just had children, they have the child with them so people know. Not the case with me.

I went to a baby shower yesterday. Honestly, that was a little hard. I missed out on a baby shower (for good reason). I was kinda mad at the shower. I feel that way when I see a new baby, angry. What's the matter with me?! I'm guessing the hormones are still bothering me. I have another baby shower to go to next week, so we'll see how that goes. Everyone will be happy and celebrating. To that I say Bah-Humbug!

On a lighter note...Seren asked me the other night to "feel your baby." I had to tell her that the baby was not in my tummy anymore. I was a bit shocked that she asked that. She's seen the baby. I told her that the baby is now with Y and A. She just smiled, which I'm taking as a nervous smile. Hum, just something to think about.

Okay, I need to go. My doula is coming over to take me to lunch. Me and my friend, who she also happened to doula.

Happy Sunday to everyone.

I sent this out in an email, so if you got that, this is the same.

Well, where do I begin? The beginning, I suppose. J

I thought I was in labor on Saturday the 20^th. I was having contractions and such, but nothing that seemed to be making any changes. The guys were in San Jose at the time (staying with a friend), but I called them and had them come to Fresno, just in case. I also called my doula, Jacquie, and she came over as well. We cleaned, walked and moved around to keep the contractions going. When the guys got here, we ended up going to the Babyfest. We walked around there for a while, but the contractions were starting to slow down. We all then went to The Cheesecake Factory and had a nice lunch. Afterwards we decided to go to the hospital, just for the sake of the guys. Turns out I was still at a 3, which is what I was at my Dr.’s appt earlier that week. My cervix was mushy, but not ready for labor. So we all went home. The guys went to a hotel, staying in Fresno. They went to Yosemite on Sunday. They called me Sunday evening to make sure that all was still the same, which it was. I was not having any more contractions. They decided to drive back to San Jose. That evening I had a big glass of orange juice, and the baby was moving like crazy!!!! He was moving non stop for at least 2 hours! I remember thinking that he was going to break my water. Little did I know…..

On Monday morning, the 22, I woke up at 4am. I felt a little pop (between my legs) and a little gush. Thankfully I co-sleep with a toddler, so I had a mattress cover on my bed. That being the case, I still wanted to get up in case it didn’t protect the whole mattress. I stood up and I swear Niagara Falls was happening between my legs. I never experienced that with Seren. I stood there for what seemed like 5 minutes. I’m sure it was only 1 or 2, but still. Once the water was slowing, I was able to waddle over to get a towel and put it between my legs. I called Jacquie. I called Dean to come get Seren. I called the guys. I forget in which order, but I remember thinking I had to get someone to help me. Luckily I had most everything ready and left over from Saturday. Dean got here first. I had to wake up Seren, telling her that she was going to go to her dad’s. We had spoken about how this might happen, I just hoped that she remembered that conversation. Once she left, I turned the light on to make sure my fluids were clear (they were). I then called the Dr.’s office, canceling my appointment and then called my case manager at Growing Generations. Jacquie showed up and helped me clean up a bit. I should have showered, but neither one of us thought about it. I really didn’t think I could, but later she told me she should have told me to. Once everything here was okay, we made our way to the hospital. We stopped at Starbucks so I could get something in my stomach, but that muffin didn’t last long. Once at the hospital, things went slowly. I have to give the staff credit for not giving me pitocin right off, they waited till 9:15. From 4-9, I had little contractions. The monitor was not picking up the ones I was having, so they put in an internal pressure monitor. Once I got the pitocin at 9:15, things started to pick up. The guys had gotten there by that point. I was doing ok with the contractions, but then they started to get more and more serious and I was getting more and more crazy. Finally around 4pm, I broke down and asked for an epidural. I remember thinking that I couldn’t live up to all my ap mommie’s standards of having a natural birth. I was so mad at myself. (Things we think of while in labor.) I remember telling Jacquie that I was freaking out! I didn’t want the stupid monitors on me, but the nurse kept coming in and telling me that I needed to have them. I was starting to really get mad. Now I remember why I wanted to be at home, and not in the hospital. As soon as we got there, they made it seem like the heart rate was not active enough. Then they started to make the guys nervous, which was making my stress level higher. It was just one intervention after another. So…by 4 pm I had enough. Looking back I should not have had the epidural. Before I had it, I was dilated to a 6. However, while getting it done, I felt the need to push. I thought to ask them to stop and just let me push, but I had made it that far and the needle was almost in me, I didn’t stop them. I wish I had. The epidural made me sleepy. I could NOT keep my eyes open. I swear they gave me a narcotic or something. The bad thing is that as soon as I got it, they noticed that I was dilated to a 10 and it was time to push. But guess what? I was too numb and out of it to even know I had to push. I tried to push for about 10 minutes or so, and then the Dr got out the forceps. With a little encouragement, Matan was born less than one hour after my asking for the epidural. He weighed in at 7lbs, 10 ounces. 21 ¼ inches long. He is super healthy and cute. J

So emotionally, how am I? I’m okay I guess. I didn’t hold the baby until the next day. I had no idea if they wanted me to, and I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. It was weird. I didn’t really know how to react. I wanted to cry afterwards, but held it in, thinking they would think I was regretting my decision. I was angry right after the birth, but not sure why. I guess everyone was so happy with the baby being there, that everyone just kinda forgot about me. I was just there in pain, and everyone was attending to the baby. Speaking of pain, I have a headache that has not gone away since I had that stupid epidural. I think I pulled a muscle in my neck while pushing. My feet are still swollen, my milk came in last night and I have nothing to show for all of this. My body wants to nurse, and I have nothing to nurse. I tried to pump colostrum for the baby at first. I got a little bit, but it was too hard to keep up with it, emotionally I mean. I have times when I’m so happy I did this, then I have moments when I’m sad. Not that I’m sad about not having Matan, but I think the idea of not having a baby in general. I didn’t form a bond or attachment with the baby, but did he with me? When I did go over to him finally, I began to talk to him and he opened his eyes like he recognized me! Even one of the dads said the same thing. It was obvious he knew my voice. That was hard for me. I know that he will have a wonderful life. I know that he was such a gift (his name is Hebrew and means “gift”). I am so honored to help this couple have a family. This whole experience has given me something to be proud of. However, I don’t think I can do this again. I think if I go through all the pain of birth, I’d like it to be for my own family. All I wanted after birthing the baby was to have Seren by my side. I think she needs me again. I have been so busy with this surrogacy for so long, that I think I have been distracted in the last month or so. Granted, if it were not for the surrogacy I would not have been able to take so much time off and spend it with her. All of this is so crazy. My emotions are up and down. I’m happy and honored, then I’m sad and swearing I’m never getting pregnant again! I’m guessing some of this has to do with my hormones. J

On Monday Y and A became fathers! Little baby M weighed in at 7lbs 10 ounces. He measured at 21 1/4 inches long. I'll give the story later, but for now I am still recovering. Having headaches that will not go away. Being on the computer makes them worse.

Love to the new family!

It says I only have 4 days to go. We'll just see about that.

So, this weekend so far has been very eventful. I though that I was going into labor yesterday. When I went to the Dr last Monday, I was dilated to a 3, with a "mushy" cervix. So when I was having contractions yesterday I was afraid that I was moving along more than I really was. I called my doula in the morning, and she came out shortly for support. We went for walks, cleaned the house, and she massaged my feet. The whole time my contractions were going and going. Then they just decided to slow down. When I would stop, they would stop. Even though, I still had weird feelings inside me. I really had no idea what I was feeling. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had been induced, so I don't have the background to know what "real" labor is like.

I ended up calling the guys in the morning as well. They drove here from San Jose (which is where they are staying). Turns out, it was all for nothing. I was talking to them about this, and I feel very nervous about them being so far away. I hate to keep calling them and have it be false labor. On the other hand, what if I call them too late, and then they miss the whole thing? I would hate for that to happen. Of course the guys tell me to just call and not worry about it. I know, I know, I know. I just feel bad. Same thing with my doula. That's what she's there for, but she was away from her family all day yesterday. I just have to get over all this. It will be over soon anyway, and then I'm going to be posting that I'm sad it's over. So I might as well just enjoy this time I have left.

I have another Dr appt tomorrow, so hopefully there will be some news either way. Oh, we ended up going to the hospital yesterday. Turns out I was only at a 3 1/2ish. So, not really much progress. All those contractions yesterday did nothing to my cervix. Good thing I was not in that much pain, otherwise next time I'd change my mind and ask for an epidural upon arrival.

Today I just feel odd. I had some contractions last night. Then today I woke up feeling out of sorts. I don't know if this is all a sign of things to come, or if I'm just not feeling well. I feel sick to my stomach, and have painful diarreah (sorry TMI). Maybe I ate something to upset my stomach. I haven't eaten anything out of the ordinary though. Maybe I caught a bug. Or, maybe my hormones are going crazy. Who knows. Either way, the guys will be here tomorrow! So, if this is all pre labor stuff, this baby better wait to show it's head.

Tomorrow I will be 38 weeks. Wow! The Dr appt was uneventful. Just a regular check up. She did not check my cervix, but will next Monday, which is when I get to see the guys (they'll be in San Jose until then)! I'm so excited about that!

Okay, well, I'm gonna go rest. More later.

Okay, let me first start off by saying that even though I figured out how to put pictures on here, I have yet to figure out how to make them fit the screen. So you get to see all my flaws and such. Please go easy on the comments about my strechmarks and hairy belly.

Well, as you can see, I decided to get Henna done on my belly. It was wonderful! I had a friend come over to do it, she was great. Then my other friend came and had her wrist done to support me while birthing. It really was a great experience. I was so relaxed and felt pampered. This is what I found on the idea of having Henna done.

I recommend that anyone get this done. My experience was kinda spiritual, but more so inside me. We had our little ones running around, so there was no quietness. But overall it was just the experience that made it special.

I hope it lasts until I have the baby. I also hope the guys get to see it when they come. It has faded (what you see is the henna still on, the color of the skin is MUCH lighter). Incidentally, the guys will be here on Thursday. I don't think I'll get to see them until the next Monday, but that's okay, I've made it this long, so what's a few more days?