I sent this out in an email, so if you got that, this is the same.

 

Well, where do I begin? The beginning, I suppose. J

 

I thought I was in labor on Saturday the 20^th. I was having contractions and such, but nothing that seemed to be making any changes. The guys were in San Jose at the time (staying with a friend), but I called them and had them come to Fresno, just in case. I also called my doula, Jacquie, and she came over as well. We cleaned, walked and moved around to keep the contractions going. When the guys got here, we ended up going to the Babyfest. We walked around there for a while, but the contractions were starting to slow down. We all then went to The Cheesecake Factory and had a nice lunch. Afterwards we decided to go to the hospital, just for the sake of the guys. Turns out I was still at a 3, which is what I was at my Dr.’s appt earlier that week. My cervix was mushy, but not ready for labor. So we all went home. The guys went to a hotel, staying in Fresno. They went to Yosemite on Sunday. They called me Sunday evening to make sure that all was still the same, which it was. I was not having any more contractions. They decided to drive back to San Jose. That evening I had a big glass of orange juice, and the baby was moving like crazy!!!! He was moving non stop for at least 2 hours! I remember thinking that he was going to break my water. Little did I know…..

 

On Monday morning, the 22, I woke up at 4am. I felt a little pop (between my legs) and a little gush. Thankfully I co-sleep with a toddler, so I had a mattress cover on my bed. That being the case, I still wanted to get up in case it didn’t protect the whole mattress. I stood up and I swear Niagara Falls was happening between my legs. I never experienced that with Seren. I stood there for what seemed like 5 minutes. I’m sure it was only 1 or 2, but still. Once the water was slowing, I was able to waddle over to get a towel and put it between my legs. I called Jacquie. I called Dean to come get Seren. I called the guys. I forget in which order, but I remember thinking I had to get someone to help me. Luckily I had most everything ready and left over from Saturday. Dean got here first. I had to wake up Seren, telling her that she was going to go to her dad’s. We had spoken about how this might happen, I just hoped that she remembered that conversation. Once she left, I turned the light on to make sure my fluids were clear (they were). I then called the Dr.’s office, canceling my appointment and then called my case manager at Growing Generations. Jacquie showed up and helped me clean up a bit. I should have showered, but neither one of us thought about it. I really didn’t think I could, but later she told me she should have told me to. Once everything here was okay, we made our way to the hospital. We stopped at Starbucks so I could get something in my stomach, but that muffin didn’t last long. Once at the hospital, things went slowly. I have to give the staff credit for not giving me pitocin right off, they waited till 9:15. From 4-9, I had little contractions. The monitor was not picking up the ones I was having, so they put in an internal pressure monitor. Once I got the pitocin at 9:15, things started to pick up. The guys had gotten there by that point. I was doing ok with the contractions, but then they started to get more and more serious and I was getting more and more crazy. Finally around 4pm, I broke down and asked for an epidural. I remember thinking that I couldn’t live up to all my ap mommie’s standards of having a natural birth. I was so mad at myself. (Things we think of while in labor.) I remember telling Jacquie that I was freaking out! I didn’t want the stupid monitors on me, but the nurse kept coming in and telling me that I needed to have them. I was starting to really get mad. Now I remember why I wanted to be at home, and not in the hospital. As soon as we got there, they made it seem like the heart rate was not active enough. Then they started to make the guys nervous, which was making my stress level higher. It was just one intervention after another. So…by 4 pm I had enough. Looking back I should not have had the epidural. Before I had it, I was dilated to a 6. However, while getting it done, I felt the need to push. I thought to ask them to stop and just let me push, but I had made it that far and the needle was almost in me, I didn’t stop them. I wish I had. The epidural made me sleepy. I could NOT keep my eyes open. I swear they gave me a narcotic or something. The bad thing is that as soon as I got it, they noticed that I was dilated to a 10 and it was time to push. But guess what? I was too numb and out of it to even know I had to push. I tried to push for about 10 minutes or so, and then the Dr got out the forceps. With a little encouragement, Matan was born less than one hour after my asking for the epidural. He weighed in at 7lbs, 10 ounces. 21 ¼ inches long. He is super healthy and cute. J

 

So emotionally, how am I? I’m okay I guess. I didn’t hold the baby until the next day. I had no idea if they wanted me to, and I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. It was weird. I didn’t really know how to react. I wanted to cry afterwards, but held it in, thinking they would think I was regretting my decision. I was angry right after the birth, but not sure why. I guess everyone was so happy with the baby being there, that everyone just kinda forgot about me. I was just there in pain, and everyone was attending to the baby. Speaking of pain, I have a headache that has not gone away since I had that stupid epidural. I think I pulled a muscle in my neck while pushing. My feet are still swollen, my milk came in last night and I have nothing to show for all of this. My body wants to nurse, and I have nothing to nurse. I tried to pump colostrum for the baby at first. I got a little bit, but it was too hard to keep up with it, emotionally I mean. I have times when I’m so happy I did this, then I have moments when I’m sad. Not that I’m sad about not having Matan, but I think the idea of not having a baby in general. I didn’t form a bond or attachment with the baby, but did he with me? When I did go over to him finally, I began to talk to him and he opened his eyes like he recognized me! Even one of the dads said the same thing. It was obvious he knew my voice. That was hard for me. I know that he will have a wonderful life. I know that he was such a gift (his name is Hebrew and means “gift”). I am so honored to help this couple have a family. This whole experience has given me something to be proud of. However, I don’t think I can do this again. I think if I go through all the pain of birth, I’d like it to be for my own family. All I wanted after birthing the baby was to have Seren by my side. I think she needs me again. I have been so busy with this surrogacy for so long, that I think I have been distracted in the last month or so. Granted, if it were not for the surrogacy I would not have been able to take so much time off and spend it with her. All of this is so crazy. My emotions are up and down. I’m happy and honored, then I’m sad and swearing I’m never getting pregnant again! I’m guessing some of this has to do with my hormones. J

 

What a gift. I am sure your emotions are all over the place.

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